Welcome to Chipur! If you’re struggling with a mood or anxiety disorder, you’ve come to a good place. Dig-in, okay? Thank you for stopping-by. Bill

I Couldn’t Have Known, but I Sure as Heck Do Now: The Journey’s End, and Beginning

Suicidal

“I‘m falling apart, and have no idea what to do. Am I depressed? How to deal with anxiety? I’m even wondering if I’m suicidal. The questions overwhelm me! I’m confused and scared, and don’t see how I’ll awaken from this nightmare.”

Hey, you will – take my word for it. But you’re gonna’ have to ask for help, and work your tail off.

How would I know? I’ve been right where you are. I couldn’t have known what life was going to bring my way. But I sure as heck do now – and why.

I’m okay. And you can be, as well. Will you embrace hope?

We began this series several days ago, as I began sharing highlights of my case history. I started at age five and zoomed through high school. Included in the piece is my take on being predisposed to mood and anxiety leanings, and my views pertaining to temperament. Ya’ gotta’ read it.

This go-round we’ll pick-up my case history at my college years (of double-hell) and wrap with my recovery.

Mission Possible: If you can identify with my history, you can buy-in to  – “If he can do it, so can I!”

Let’s get goin’…

So it was day-one at Michigan State University. And it just happened to be my 18th birthday. Oh, and 18 was the legal drinking age in Michigan. I’d only consumed maybe two beers lifetime, but that changed as I attended my first dorm kegger. I don’t recall the event, but I do remember awakening in a laundry cart with a mystery woman  –  who referred to me as “Baby Doll” – the following morning. Though I hadn’t connected the dots, substance abuse/dependence was all over my family history. And the fuse on my genetic predisposition had been lit.

This is huge. I gave cannabis a go with a bunch of guys in my dorm room. I freaked because, to me, the high felt like a derealization episode. From that moment, my anxiety progressively intensified. As a clinician, I can tell you first cannabis use so often precedes mood or anxiety disorder symptom onset and/or escalation.

For the record, my grades were absolutely horrible. I just couldn’t focus upon the tasks at hand and couldn’t sit still long enough to study or comfortably attend class.

Fast forward to my junior year, age 20. Totally on the ropes! By the way, I’m in the midst of prime-time for the presentation of a mood or anxiety disorder. In addition to derealization, on came waves of depersonalization. My tics had now fully presented, and having folks poke fun at me was devastating. Oh, the E.R. visits began. I’d get shot-up with Valium and be sent on my way.

It’s now my senior year and time to graduate in the spring – for most. However, I became so anxiety-ridden I could barely sit in a classroom. Even the hooch wasn’t helping anymore. My schoolwork totally hit rock-bottom. I even flunked a couple of classes. So I took a semester off, earning my bachelor’s when I returned.

So off to adult life with me. But, damn, I was barely making-it.

Though I didn’t realize it, I took my first step toward anxiety-recovery when I was 30. My drinking had gotten way out of control, so I checked-in to a rehab center, and haven’t had a drop since. Granted, my anxiety had yet to be diagnosed – and was still beating me up – however, no more alcohol-medicating was a huge development.

The next, and most significant, step toward recovery was a day-long visit to the University of Chicago Medical Center’s Anxiety and Depression Clinic. I was 34. Now, this was 1989 and there was a ton of emerging mood and anxiety disorder science. I had all sorts of testing done and an intake session with a psychiatrist. Upon returning, I was given a panic disorder with agoraphobia diagnosis. And the doc cut me a scrip for the tricyclic antidepressant imipramine (Tofranil). Zoloft, Celexa, Paxil, Lexapro? Weren’t available yet. For the record, no benzos.

After about two weeks on imipramine I really began to feel better, and my symptoms improved more and more as I approached my therapeutic dose. And that gave me the confidence to again get out and participate in life. Man, I’d been off-and-on so horribly agoraphobic for some 15 years.

Taking everything into account, I chose to believe a nightmare of a journey had ended – and one of healing had begun. And as the years ensued, with the help of assorted therapists and psychiatrists, I’d once-and-for-all put my misery in the rear-view mirror.

One final piece of my story to share. I began my master’s work in counseling at the age of 49, and finished two years later. Those horrible grades I mentioned earlier? 4.0 this time around. And now I’m a very content and comfortable licensed counselor.

What do you think? Any of my history hit home? Did you like the outcome? So tell me, if I can so dramatically turn things around, isn’t it a given you can too?

“Am I depressed?” “How to deal with anxiety?” “OMG, could I really be suicidal?” I understand you may be overwhelmed, confused, and scared. But you’ll awaken from the nightmare, if that’s what you want to do.

I couldn’t have known what was to go down in my life. But I sure as heck do now – and why. And I’m just fine.

Take heart – and hope – in that, won’t you?

Bill

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  • Patricia Miller

    You totally delivered the “hope frosting” as promised in the first installment of this beautiful slice of life cake, Bill. Thank you for sharing your life and the promise of healing that truly is available for anyone who is willing to open themselves to the possibility that there is something more than just the darkness and pain they know. Yes, it is scarey to let someone else in and it is frightful to admit the depth of the despair and desperation to yourself, much less to another human being. However, your openess and honesty makes it easier for anyone to realize that this is not a shameful frailty, but instead just a part of the human condition and that SMART people seek help and keep seeking until they find it. Reading your story over these installments reinforces soundly the quest in all of your being to find resolution, and you do indeed make a compelling case that healing is genuinely available for all of us. Thank you for sharing hope in this season of hope. Wishing you well, always. Patricia

    • Hey, Patricia!
      I so appreciate your taking the time to visit Chipur and comment during this busy holiday season. Glad you liked more of that “hope frosting.” And, you know, there isn’t any reason why all of us can’t taste and enjoy it. The depth of darkness, hopelessness, and helplessness really doesn’t matter. Relief and healing are available to anyone who seeks them and are willing to work to have them. If my story can bring that truth home to even one reader, I’ll have accomplished my purpose. Happy holidays to you and your family, Patricia…
      Bill

  • Brad

    Sure, but my all out depression and complete lack of energy didn’t start till age 50. Now I’m 51, feeling old, exhausted, with no ambition and I’m primary care giver to my terminally Ill wife(12 years with ppms). So tired all the time with my brain racing, can’t stand it and now feeling old and helpless. I know this comment doesn’t even belong here or make sense. Sorry everyone

    • Hey Brad! I’m glad you stopped-by Chipur and posted. Sure, your comment belongs here. You’re in a tough spot, one that a whole lot of folks couldn’t begin to understand. And you’re hurting, so you shared. I’d say that makes perfect sense. In spite of how flat and hopeless you feel, Brad, I’ll stand-by my belief that there’s hope in every circumstance. Wondering if you’re seeing a counselor or have considered doing so. It would really help. Please continue to stop-on-by and share at will. That’s what Chipur’s all about…
      Bill

    • Patricia Miller

      Of course your comment belongs here, Brad! That is what Chipur is for. My full on depression didn’t kick my butt into treatment with appropriate medication and counseling until I was 52. Like you, life circumstances began advancing on me, I thought I was super human and could manage it all by myself, and my internal reality precluded that. I’m so sorry about your circumstances because they are HARD and they break my heart. I just never want you or anyone else to feel too old to get better or get help. I also don’t want you to feel alone in your hurt because you are not.

      • Nice touch – from the heart, Patricia. Thank you. Hoping Brad checks back in…
        Bill