Our personal truth is unwavering. Running and hiding may keep it in check. But sooner or later, in one way or another, the truth comes to call. And it’s time to settle accounts.
…I didn’t think very highly of myself. And I knew there would be no peace until I settled accounts.
I needed to know if my anxiety and depression symptoms were triggered by internal conflict caused by suspect personal truth.
I was leaving no stone unturned.
The personal truth mission
The mission consumed me – so much so that I wrote a poem during the journey. In “The Hardest Thing” I talked about “a deep and honest view,” “the running gone,” and “holding out for what is true.”
I’ve included it at the end. Maybe it’ll hit home.
Getting chin-deep
I’ve thought quite a bit about the mission and poem over the years. Actually, I just started a new journey and the poem continues to guide me.
Now, I’m guessing I wrote that piece 35 years ago, at the age of 33. It was several years after I’d stopped drinking, and was still getting creamed by seemingly every anxiety and depression symptom in the book. Funny now, I was a walking DSM.
You’d better believe I was going to get chin-deep in my personal truth – what I thought it was, what it really was, and what it needed to be.
I was in pain.
”What is my personal truth?”
All those years ago, I’d ask myself throughout the day, “Who are you, Bill White?” For my money it’s the same as asking, “What’s your personal truth?” And you know what? I had no clue.
The power of personal truth
“I know you’re out there. And I’ll keep looking ‘til I find you.”
Okay, so I was identity challenged. Regardless, I became convinced that the internal conflict generated by my suspect personal truth was a big-time anxiety and depression symptom trigger.
Personal truth is that powerful.
If you’re dealing with a mood or anxiety disorder, you know internal and external chaos can wreak havoc in our lives.
As the mission continued, my personal truth began to present. It was clear that I didn’t think very highly of myself. And I knew there would be no peace until I settled accounts.
I made it a lifetime endeavor. Again, I’ve just started a new fact-finding journey.
“The Hardest Thing”
Let’s take a look at the poem. Hope it helps in some way…
The Hardest Thing
The hardest thing I had to do
Was chance a deep and honest view
The running gone
A quiet place
The me I never want to face
I want to scream
And fight you
I want to seize warmth and turn it cold
Making you sorry you crossed my path
I’ll beg you to shun me
And leave me alone
I’ll run so far away
So fast
You’ll never find me
But I want to cry
I want to share
Be touched
Known
Warmed
The misery
The contradiction
Of me
The hardest thing I had to do
Was holding out for what is true
To know myself
The wayward man
The soul
I try to understand
Take the bull by the horns
Our personal truth is unwavering. Sure, we can run and hide, but why waste time? Sooner or later, in one way or another, it’ll come to settle accounts.
Take the bull by the horns and don’t let it go down that way. Your personal truth is who you are. Keep looking ‘til you find it. How could it not change your life?
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