“It was us doing the ‘dance’ we’d done a thousand times before. That day, I was furious to find myself even considering doing it – again. I erupted!”
Those are the words of my friend Lisa Frederiksen. She’s gracing us with a guest post today.
Lisa works in addiction, substance abuse, and secondhand drinking/drugging education, prevention, and intervention. She’s the author of If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What You Really Need To Know When Your Loved One Drinks Too Much and Loved One In Treatment? Now What!
Lisa is a solid and well-informed writer. I know you’ll find her perspective meaningful and helpful.
“Welcome, Lisa, and thanks for contributing.”
If a loved one enters a residential treatment program – it usually lasts around 28 days. At the end of treatment, clients are encouraged to go to an SLE – Sober Living Environment.
That can be their home (as long as all alcohol has been removed and all persons in the home agree to abstain from drinking), or it can be a treatment center sponsored SLE (usually a home in a residential neighborhood where other clients also reside, along with an employee of the treatment center), or it can be a similar facility.
Now to My Experience
I’d told my loved one of my fears about what might happen if he insisted on coming home as his SLE, instead of following the treatment center’s recommendation and going to one of theirs.
Yet, when the time came, he started doing that “thing” he did, and I started doing that “thing” I did. He with that “I’m so sorry” expression, pressing me to let him come to our home instead of a treatment center SLE, to let him do what he wanted — playing on the notion that if I loved him, I would.
And there I was acting on my feeling that I needed to somehow make it okay for him because if I loved him, I should. After all, he’d stopped drinking, gone into rehab — what more could I want or expect him to do?
But I wasn’t ready. I was scared – what if I didn’t do what he needed done and he relapsed. And I was enjoying not having the constant worry about “what if…”.
It was us doing the “dance” we’d done a thousand times before. That day, I was furious to find myself even considering doing it – again. I erupted!
I erupted from a place so deep — a place where years of broken promises, lies, disappointments and deceit had festered, until this one. . . more. . . tiny. . . little request proved to be the last straw.
I erupted because I simply didn’t know how to feel, let alone say, “No, this isn’t right for me. I don’t care if it’s right for you or the man in the moon. It isn’t right for me!
Instead, I was getting it all mixed up in my love for him and my ingrained belief that I had to do what he wanted as a demonstration of that love. I was getting it all mixed up in my belief that not doing so would be selfish on my part. And in my world, being selfish was bad, bad, bad.
Suddenly, it all came crashing in, and my fury poured out as we engaged one more time in the dance of manipulation we both did so well – a dance choreographed by years of fear, anger, addiction, codependency, and love.
A New Dance
In dancing, it only takes one partner to change the step and thus the entire dance. It may even end the dance. The same is true in family recovery from this family disease. It just takes one, but if both change and learn the new steps and practice those steps, together, a new dance is created.
Sometimes one or both will go back to the old one – that’s normal – it’s what is most comfortable; it’s what they’ve practiced for years. But a new dance is possible. It may be together; it may be solo, but it is possible. It just takes practice.
Something else that can help is a continuing care plan and/or recovery coaching services. There are many qualified individuals and therapists who are working in this area.
This link will take you to a description of mine, which will give you more of an idea what this is about.
“Thank You Lisa…”
Lisa’s most recent book, Loved One In Treatment? Now What!, provides much more regarding what you’ve just read. Click here to check it out.
Participate in Lisa’s blog at breakingthecycles.com…